Annexure
Letter from Michael Phillip Martin to Candace Martin
[Page numbers of originals indicated in square brackets]
[P 1] Dear Candace,
I am writing to you in this letter because as you are well aware of by now, I am not the best at revealing my emotions. No matter what you think, I sincerely do care for you and hope that you are coping as well as what you seem to be. Reading this letter is entirely up to you and should you prefer to tear this letter up or disregard it as rubbish, then I completely understand. However, should you read it, then all I ask is that you think on what I say over a period of time.
I wish to go back to the very start, back in 2005 when we were both very young...
Teenage sweet hearts I must first say. Unfortunately you were not my first and I will drum it into all our kids to wait for that first love because not losing my virginity to you is one of my biggest regrets in life. However, you were definitely my first love and in my mind there had never been any other girls.
It stills sits in my mind the amount of times we used to fondle each other, everywhere and anytime. But sexual feelings aside, the flutter in my chest each time I saw you took my breath away, whether looking amazing in a dress and makeup or sweating and vomiting at zenny. That was true love. Not the kind that comes and goes, or even the kind in the movies (after all the movies are fake), but certainly for me, it was true love.
I imagined my life with you, some kids, and beautiful possessions that you so certainly deserve. I look back at how young I was and think maybe I was just a foolish teenager with my head in the clouds (or some people would even say thinking with the wrong head J) But I know for certain now, years later that I wasn't just dreaming. You were and are my soul mate.
When we broke up as teenagers, we were so determined to be strong and not show how much we were hurting. So much so that we thought the other didn't even have feelings for each other, "ever". But we both know now that we longed for the hugs and kisses from each other, even years later, and even when we had partners (well, maybe you had a partner, mine... words can't explain...) But we had our best go at trying to move one with our lives.
When I found out you were pregnant and then going to be married, a little piece inside me shattered, because I honestly thought I'd lost any chance I ever had with you forever. And why… just because I was such a hard headed fool.
The years ticked by. Yeah, I had Jack (as weird as that sounds). But Jack and I were as close as two males should ever be. We would finish each other's sentences, cry when the other was down and out, drink and party when the other felt happy. The times, good and bad, that Jack and I had was a stage in my life that I never want to take back.
I remember my first rodeo with Jack. Toogoolawah Rodeo 2008. Jack said "Mick mate, Toogoolawah Rodeo is on Saturday 3 weeks. What do ya reckon, should we ride bareback". We'd watched video after video, and Jack had an old bareback rigging from the 70's, so actually jumping on sounded like the best idea anyone had ever come up with. Jack was underage to legally sign up so I signed him up as my "step brother" as was his "legal guardian". What a load of crap. So without telling the Old Fella where we were going, Jack and I packed our swags and gear, cranked up old Slim Dusty and headed to our first rodeo.
[P 2] The rain had made the usual arena too wet so they set up a small roughstock yard on the oval, run a couple of tines through which didn't soften the yard, just made it look a little rougher. The only gear we had was an old bareback rigging from the 70's (similar to that old leather one I have), a gardening glove, no spurs, no vest, and Jack had an ice hockey helmet. Biggest redneck hicks this side of Bourke.
Anyway, Jack was first. He came out of the chutes on this pieball horse which started roaring. Let me say this, Jack "shit" himself. About three bucks out and he grabbed on with two hands and when the pick-up men come to get him, he thought "fuck this" and just jumped off. Funniest thing you've ever seen.
Then it was my turn. Well big tough Mick, "na Woodrow (I called him that from Lonesome Dove), I don't need a helmet, I won't fall off". Haha. This horse came out of the chutes, bucked a couple of times and took off. Well I slid off half sideways but I was still hanging on. Everyone thought I was hung up and couldn't get off, but I just wanted to ride so bad I didn't want to let go. Well upside down, my head hit the ground, I got thrown a couple of metres into the dirt and got up with the biggest smile on my face. I had never (even with the ring fight) had that much adrenaline.
Back then Jack and I only drunk by ourselves. So back to camp we go, had a few beers and a sleep. When we got back to the Old Fella's, we were so excited we jumped out and said "Hey Old Fella, guess what we done last night." He replies "I hope you two didn't get into bloody trouble again" "na, we rode bareback last night at the Toogoolawah Rodeo". Well you could of heard a pin drop. We thought he was going to explode. Then he just said "you silly buggers. You should of told me and I would have given you a hand." Well that was it, Jack and I were hooked on rodeo.
But I thought I'd tell you that even though you've heard it a million times, but that was a time with the first person since you that I had been truly happy. Unfortunately, rodeo was the same thing that tore Jack and I apart. And funny enough; predominantly because of drug users. I still maintain that he doesn't tough drugs them but then again, I have been proven wrong many times before. But that did harden me. It took me a lot to lower my guard even for you.
Anyway, even though Jack and I were best mates, there was still something missing. Something I needed and I remember how you still played on my mind. I had company, but I didn't have love. I didn't have somebody to hold me or for me to hold them. I think sex is over exaggerated because while the feeling is great, it's the close bond of love that gives the best feeling. Old Country Music is one of my passions but also one of my weaknesses. As much as it makes me happy, the lyrics also made me very lonely.
I guess that's why I tried to find the "love" feeling that you and I had with others but I never could. Sex never gave me that flutter in my chest and I guess that's why I tried a "relationship" (if that's what we'll call it). But she had the mind of a two year old (still does; nothing's changed). I needed more than just touch. Something I could interact with. When we spoke again after so long without communication, it was like a spark was instantly lit.
You could give me more than just intimacy. You were (still are), apart from extremely beautiful; bright, passionate, loving, mothering, nurturing. The list could go on. But it was you [P 3] that was the part missing in my life and I guess in part that made me more lonely because I certainly thought I didn't have a chance.
Then when we really opened up, you revealed your feelings about your own relationship. How, no matter what you did, it wasn't appreciated. How, he would just come home and do nothing. And no matter what you did, he was just like a version of Sam. Do nothing but expect everything. And when we both knew each other's feelings for one another, it was like a light bulb suddenly turned on inside my head. Maybe, just maybe, I had a chance and that night, sitting on the bank of Atkinsons Dam (of all places). You and I shared that special moment. Not the sexual moment that many would have but that intimate connection that souls make (how sappy is that).
I must admit, I had big reservations about starting a relationship with a married woman, regardless of whether you had broken up. I guess I still wasn't convinced it was real and wasn't sure if I was just that rebound guy. In some ways I look back and think, is that why I didn't just tell McKay to fuck off from the very start? I guess there was that fear that you were only "window shopping" and that maybe after that I would be alone again.
That day that you refer to "me cheating on you" was a black day in my mind. I will maintain to my dying day that I did not do anything sexual however, I did cross a line that shouldn't be crossed, regardless of what stage of the relationship anyone is at. Nesi had recently broken it off with Jack, and so her and McKay came over for sympathy I guess. Maybe they had other things on their mind, who knows, who cares. But the alcoholic that I was, thought that the answer would be alcohol, so I brought out my home brew. We were all shotting my spirits however the two girls were certainly downing my one to their two / three.
A couple of bottles were empty and a swim decided like a good idea. The girls already had bikinis on and I stripped to my jocks. Nothing out of the ordinary happened until Nesi planted a kiss on me. I stepped back and said "whoa Nesi. That's not going to make it better". So Nesi planted a kiss on Jess whom returned the favour. After the swim we went back for more drinks. We had a couple more and Jess started rubbing Nesi and things progressed from there. Jess knew you and I were together because she kept saying "she won't do this and she won't do that. I'll do whatever you want, come over here, etc..." I was watching "the show", which to this day I regret. After probably half an hour, Angus came home and they ran out naked and tried with Angus. It was the same time Angus has the clap otherwise he would have gone for it for sure. He always used to talk about banging Nesi and how lucky Jack was.
Anyway, regardless of what Rob or Angus say, none of them can actually say they saw me having sex with those girls. Angus and I drove them back to Nesi's place but we had to drop them up the road as they said they were too drunk and needed to sober up. I spoke to Nesi and Jess the following day and the only recollection they had was drinking, some watermelon, and then going for a swim. I told them what they had done, they thought I was involved and couldn't believe I wasn't.
I know you're hearing other stories but that is the honest truth. Those people who are saying they definitely saw it have shit dribbling out of their mouth. And you also have had memory loss from a hard session on my homebrew, so know that I'm not making shit up when I say that couldn't recall. As for McKay, the lies that she tells not just about this but everything in
[P 4] life are phenomenal. I remember when we were "somewhat together", she had created a fake "Lisa Simpson" facebook account and was causing shit between another married couple down the road from her (that Brad Priggins). Anyway, they knew it was her, however she swore black and blue it wasn't. I even screamed at her to make sure she was telling the truth to me. Again "it wasn't me, i wouldn't break up a marriage, ra ra ra". So I backed her up, went down to their place, caused a massive "verbal" fight, said that she wouldn't lie to me, etc, etc. Truth came out after that she was in fact that person. "Haha, big joke, they deserved it." I could not understand how she could lie like that; to me, to her parents, to the police, to everyone.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that I can't control who you wish to be friends with but just have a hard think about the people you want your kids to associate "being an adult" with. From the very start, she has done her best against you and I. First the whole "threesome", then you were pregnant and didn't know who the father was, I would be an abusive parent (her telling that Priggins) and had a criminal history to get Ollie taken off you, and now this latest crap, just ongoing and ongoing. She has a very extensive history of lies throughout her entire life and has purposely taken joy out of interfering with other marriages before. In my mind, she is not someone to be trusted, has nothing to offer you (support / guidance), really shouldn't be a role model for our kids and really what type of friend is that. I guess I just wish you would have a look at the bigger picture and longer term friendship of you and her because she will interfere with any relationship (friendship or other) that you may have in the future (she even got the shits about you and Steph). I just wish you'd realise that you have far better friends than her. I would have paid for you to take weekly trips to Kingaroy to see Katelyn because I could see that she was someone who cared for you and would offer both support and guidance throughout your whole life not just while it suited her.
But moving on. The start was rough for us. First trying to get rich quick. Counterfeit is something I will definitely be advising our kids to stay very clear from. But we learn from our mistakes and moved to Windsor Park. That was a good time in our lives because we only had Ollie, Angus was working nights, the house was "our" first house, we decided on trying for a baby, we got engaged and other miscellaneous times. But when the pregnancy started turning for the worst, it did cut our "honeymoon" period short and times became very difficult both health wise for you but also arguments between us. I think that was the start of all this name calling and hurtful words that have tried both of us so much.
When me first bought our house, I thought, finally, I have made it in life. This is the place I want to be. I have a house (yes, that needed work, but a house), a beautiful fiancée, a step son who couldn't be anything less but my own, and my own baby on its way. Wow, what a year could make. But then, the pregnancy went sour. You were back and forth from hospital, we didn't know whether Mikey would make it, your dad and I were having issues because he wanted to be as included as he was with Ollie (and I'm sorry, but I'm not the sort that would allow another man to play my part if I could help it, no matter who he was) and then that day. When you called to say your waters had broken, my heart sank. I dropped everything I was doing and ran out the door (I actually think 1 left all my computer, etc on without saving) All I could think about was you and our son.
Those hours you spent with the Magnesium Sulphate broke my heart. I wished there was something more I could do but I couldn't and I knew how much pain you were in. Then that moment when the doctor came in and said it's time. You and I were trembling walking into [P 5] that operating room. I was so nervous and scared. Nothing can describe my feelings, so I can't imagine what you felt. Well it wasn't very long and they waved Mikey over the curtain and I don't know what I was expecting but certainly not that. You instantly went into shock, my blood pressure went though the roof. Blood started pouring out of my nose and I was taken from the room. Wow, the scariest moment hands down of my life.
The next six months were so eventful. It felt like six years with Mikey in hospital. Not only was it so touch and go with Mikey, but you had major health issues, I had to return to work to keep money coming in, the house needed renovations before Mikey came home and I just remember thinking to myself back then that I couldn't maintain this pace for much longer.
The day we brought Mikey home was, apart from becoming engaged, the only moment that I can say to that point I was happy beyond believe. Absolutely overwhelmed with joy. But because of Mikey's health, it was also a day of fear and anxiety with the home oxygen. I kept thinking to myself, can you and I really look after this child on oxygen. What happens if this, what happens if that... But you and I together made it through. Rather well I might say for having no medical training.
But over those two years, you and I had a lot of adjusting to do. We are both Aries and being pig-headed (or as we like to say "strong willed"), we couldn't give in to each other. I had my issues with other women and whilst I didn't see it at the time, I do now. Ail my role models in life, including the Capewells, had pornography in their household similar to that of a Womens Day magazine I guess because of their relaxed nature or well I don't know, but pornography doesn't affect the way they feel. I have come to the view that to look at a good looking woman in the street is to simply respect the fact that they are more attractive than the average person but to perv on them or to look at nude women in magazines is disrespectful to your partner and whilst it may not be "cheating" it does break a boundary in a loving relationship. I guess this has been a big factor in our problems over the years but I just want you to know that the last time I looked at porn was after that fight we had in June last year. Since then, and even now after our split, I have not looked at porn, as tempting as it has been recently.
Anyway getting back to children. A girl was always a dream I had. I don't know why but the name Rose always stuck in my mind and when you said you wanted to try for a girl, I was pleased but extremely fearful. I knew that Ollie had come early, Mikey had come early and we knew regardless that Rose was going to come early, just hopefully later than 30 weeks. I felt you were very forceful in your decision to try and that it was a case of an egg timer decision that had to be made asap or else we couldn't try again. We certainly were hasty but looking back, I don't think waiting any time would have made a difference.
Hormones (especially the first trimester) did and still make you very moody and I know that our arguments kept turning for the worse and with each fight came more hurtful insults from both sides. In hindsight, we should have gone to relationship counselling then but hindsight is a lovely thing.
Our wedding was the most beautiful moment of my life. We had planned everything together. Even your wedding dress (who does that). Simple yet elegant. And I think that explains how personalities to the core. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful, elegant bride full of such charisma and passion. Words can't describe how I felt watching you walk up that aisle. My [P 6] speech, which I rehearsed and knew word for word, blurted out as if giving my first English oral. Our honeymoon, whilst had its moments was relaxing Just you, I and the world. We could have gone to the Maldives and done the Hollywood experience but I think you and I sitting back together, peacefully watching a bloody action movie, batman of all things, was a nice way to celebrate our marriage together. Just a couple of days and we missed our lovely two boys too much and had to return (as well as for my fucking job).
But when things turned for the worse with the pregnancy, and you were back getting the Magnesium Sulphate, it was like reliving a nightmare. Back into that operating room. When they got me to walk around and see Rose under the plastic, I think a part of me stayed there. Seeing my little angel wrapped in cling wrap, doctors resuscitating her and nothing I could do to help. When I got the waiting room, I just broke, I was crying like I had never cried before (even with Mikey). Then you came out and even as worn out as you were, you still looked amazing.
Just like Mikey, both of us entered the NICU together, as a team, to meet our newborn child. And just like Mikey, both of us made it through hospital with little Rose coming home. I know I made it an urgency about getting the snip, and I do hope you know it has nothing to do with you. I would have certainly had 10 more babies with you, but I couldn't do another micro-prem.
After settling into our lives back home in Esk, I thought you and I would also settle back in to routine and our arguments would progressively get less. I guess with the continued stresses of work, money, family, and life in general, our coping mechanism that had kept us together through the premies was to take it out on each other, which seems absolutely crazy but we got through such extremely difficult times together. I guess in hindsight, this was another moment we should have called for help.
That Christmas Party of 2013 was quite a happy one for me. I finally had my family, work was going "ok", and I was quite friendly with my work colleagues. I admit, I had too many drinks especially being on strong anti-depressants. The party was all but ended when you showed up, drinks had stopped and everybody was heading home but us stragglers. After a bit more of a yarn, I had full intentions on walking home but I can fully understand where you were coming from. You didn't want me being drunk around the children, plus you were ready to put them to bed, etc. I felt very disrespected when you stormed up to pick me up, gave me an earful as soon as I got in the car, and then continued when we got home. I know you thought I was going to drink the homebrew, but I certainly had no intentions of that but then you tipped it everywhere and again I felt very disrespected because not only had you hurt my feelings but you had spilt all my "hobby" everywhere which dripped down through the floorboards and just seemed like you didn't care about the house either.
I know you said you always wanted me to lean on you for support and I guess I didn't show it as much as you'd have liked but you were my anchor in life. Without you and the kids, I felt like I'd have gone back even worse than that lonely person at Churchable. Suicide has always been a major weakness of mine and I know that you think it's when I don't get my way, but that's not the case. When I feel like I've lost control of my life and going backwards I have this major fear of turning out like my father. When I get into that mind frame, it's very dangerous for me. When you put the kids in the car and left, I should have known it was just a bad arguments but I panicked. I instantly went into that dark place where everything went
[7] from bad to worse and felt like my only way to free myself and free the people I loved was to pass on from this life (a challenge I'm still facing because I still do feel that way but I'm working on it). If I had access to a gun that day, I would have used it, but a rope was available and so I contemplated it. There was a big part of me that wanted to live, and I guess that's why I never wrote a note but the overwhelming side of me spoke more sense at that time. I sat on that stool, leaned forward until my airways were restricted, still contemplating whether I should or not, until I finally went to sleep. After that I had no control and I didn't wake until the ambulance so I can't imagine the scene that I objected you and Oliver to and that is the biggest regret of my life. If I could turn back time, I would have gone for a walk up Highland Street, or called dad. Anything, but reality is that I didn't and I now have to live with my poor choices.
I guess we never really got better after that. Money got tighter and we had another bright idea to free our lives up more. I wouldn't have to work so hard and therefore worry less. You and I would finally be able to have the things in life we ever wanted. Plans were set and everything seemed perfect. Our biggest problem is that we are too good at heart. Our guilt has stuck since the moment we concocted our bright idea. Looking back, if I could have seen the ramifications on our marriage, there is no way I would have considered it but again, I have to live with my choices.
After that trip to Nanna & Pa's and that night thereafter, I feel so guilty, but not for what happened but for the way I let myself lose control. 25 years of torture from these people led me to do the unthinkable. I let myself lose control and it scared me. Not at what I did but the mere fact that the animal side got the better of me. I know for a fact that I can control myself every other time. But for those few minutes, I let my emotions control everything I did and the result could be seen. I was a very hurt man who had been hurt by the very person who should have loved me the most but caused me so much pain.
I guess it was my guilt that caused me to be at the hospital so much. I was guilty because every time I entered that room, I saw what I had done. What my raw emotion had done and it hurt me so much. I guess it was the main reason I tried so hard to finish it then. To put the man that had taken the full brunt of my animal side out of pain. But he was too strong. A pig-headed bastard like me. But after he came out of that coma, I thought to myself that I would let him go on and lead a somewhat normal existence. I would even help him make a new start. Maybe I could even make him impress his mother. Wow, imagine if I could do that.
But then the bitch got involved and got him out of hospital too early. I knew it wouldn't last. Once she found out she couldn't get money out of him then she was through with him. And the only person who was left to pick up the pieces was me. And how cruel of me to get you and the kids to have to deal with such a big burden because of me. The trip home from Beerwah made me realise one thing. Nothing I or anyone else in this world could ever make this man change. He spoke with such bitterness and anger about everything including his own mother. I thought maybe I could get him back to hospital, maybe get him to rent an apartment somewhere near the coast and leave him be. I could see him occasionally but wouldn't have to have too much to do with him. And then I realised how scared he made you.
How could I ask this of my wife; the one person who gave me life and was the reason I wanted to live and succeed. And at that time, all I could give her was fear because of what I [P 8] had done. It wasn't your fear but mine that caused me to come up with the solution I did. In that trip down to NSW, I knew what was coming but spoke to dad as if everything were fine. That one trip revealed a lot to me about my father. But through everything, the most evident was that this shell was a good man gone too far bad. He hated everything about himself, everyone else and just the world. He told me that he just wished he died in hospital so he didn't have to be in pain (not physical) anymore.
I had a choice that night. I could have quite easily packed up and brought him home but I wanted to ease his pain. But was that my place. I now know it wasn't but I felt at the time that I had caused every bit of his pain for the last 25 years so I carried through with my plan. As I said, I'm too good a person to be professional and let that demon be released again. I can't explain how scared that makes me and from that morning on, I vowed to never let myself lose control ever again. And to my dying day, no one will ever see that again.
I certainly haven't handled things well thereon. I didn't want to traumatise you with my own issues about that night so thought that working and putting it at the back of my mind was better. Unfortunately I now see that you and the children have been hurt in that process and how selfish of me to do that to you guys. I wish I had better strategies to cope with things and I think with help from Rhonda, my new Psychiatrist and regardless of us, a relationship specialist, I think I will be able to improve myself dramatically. I am truly sorry I have hurt you through this whole disaster but I don't regret you and I. The only part I regret is the poor choices I have made.
I know you don't understand why I work so hard, and through some recent reflections I believe it has to do with my fear of failure. And through my fear of failure, I guess I have tried to push you too hard, as well as the kids and this will be something I am going to focus on fixing because if not I know it will destroy my relationship with the kids. However, I will be staying with Somerset for a while because I am enjoying my new role at work and certainly see room for progression. Andrew is the best boss I've ever had and even with the last fortnight's events, has been of great support to me. On the weekend just went, he sent me a message saying that he was looking forward to seeing me (and also helping him with work) but aside from that he seems very genuine and I think a good friendship will come of this.
The only other thing I want to touch on is my last attempt. I truly am sorry for putting you and the kids through it again. I wish I had waited until you had left so you didn't have to witness it. I am also sorry because this was the most serious I have ever been about wishing to pass on. The regret I have from hurting you over the last few years, the regret I have about losing control last year with those two events. I went into a major downhill spiral when you said you were leaving and all I could think was that I have driven away the only people who love me. I have caused pain to anyone who has ever come in contact with me and the only way I could release you and the kids was to release myself and pass on. I know you think it wasn't a serious attempt, but I spoke to the doctors and they have had people with a lot less die and that I obviously have a purpose here on Earth. After taking those pills, I slowly felt every sense float away. My vision and thoughts were last to go and I know those letters probably made no sense but the peace that I felt when I went to sleep was a feeling that I can't help but yearn for. I am seriously working on that and from this point on, I will make it known to anybody and everybody, that when I go, it will be from natural or other causes apart from my own.
[P 10] I am so, so sorry that I have hurt you and I can now understand why you left. I am hoping that you have had time to read this and not just thrown it out as rubbish from your ex. This is from my heart and every word I have wrote comes from a good place. I hope that one day you can forgive me and maybe even work with me in getting back that feeling that used to take our breath away. I know you still have love for me as I do for you. Nothing you can do or say will change that for me. There will never be another woman because every word in my vows was spoken true to heart and forever is life for me. I know only time can heal the wounds I have caused but if you have any inclination that a flame for me can once again burn strong, than please give me a chance to help with the healing. I know this isn't going to be a tomorrow thing but I think in time, if you and I can start to reignite that flame, work on ourselves, and fall madly in love again, I honestly think we will have an all time enduring love that nothing will tear apart. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry for everything and I love you with my entire heart Candace. You are not just my partner, or my wife but you are my soul partner and I truly believe we only have one in the world. If you can please just let your guard down a little and work with me on this, I will prove to you how much of a better man I can become. I don't expect an answer anytime soon and you don't have to tell me directly. But if the time comes, I would give the world for you.
With all my love,
Micheal
xxxooo